Unloving the Loved

Note: The idea of writing about this topic came up after knowing that one of my friends are actually having an understanding with a person that I never imagined her to be with. They were an unlikely pair but I think they're kind of cute together. Haha. But this is not fluff or about them at all, if you're wondering. You know it's my weakness, so yeah. :) This is about friendship.

Disclaimer: This is fiction and this is my work. Pessimism included. That's pretty much it, yes?

Title: Unloving the Loved

Category: Fiction

Key Word/s:  Friendship

"Help me up...get me outta here. We'll run away with our hearts in our hands..we'll run away from the enemy. The war is dead and they'll never take us...alive..."

-Alive, Never The Strangers

000-

There's always what you call a friendship boundary.

I didn't know for other people but there is one for me. Friends are important, yes. But I couldn't help thinking that they are like fleeting memories that you need to always remember so you can keep them. The thing about me is that I'm forgetful. It was a scary thing. It reminds me that anytime, when one day I wouldn't be able to remember them, they would leave me. So I built a certain detachment, just in case.

If there are no reasons to forget, why should one just bury the memories away, right?

But circumstances are not predictable. And things aren't always what you thought they were. There will come a time when you'll feel that your space is being invaded and that you're losing the freedom you thought you have. There will come a time when you'll feel that you're being imprisoned in a character that was expected of you. 

The worst was sometimes, you have to feel it from your own friends.

I was the kind of person who values and respects greatly my own decision more than others' decision for myself. I value my independence so much that I expect my friends to empathize but never decide things for me. Or maybe I'm afraid to look like a spineless coward who can't decide for herself.Yeah, maybe I just wanted to be able to decide for myself and act like a grown-up that I'm supposed to be. 

Sigh.

No, I don't believe in friends forever. There will come a time that your differences will create a wall between both of you. There may be things left unsaid or actions that are overlooked - and it wasn't alright although people pretend that it's okay. Friends can reconcile but that doesn't mean that they have settled their differences. Friends make sacrifice because they love their friends to argue with them. But that doesn't really settle things, in my perspective.

That's why I didn't understand why Stacy would be so mad at me.

It's not like I've forgotten her or something. 

I was with Joshua. He needs me. 

And though I know that I've been spending a lot of time with him, my excuse was quite reasonable...uhm, right?

I mean, we're together. 

I am committed to him. The day when he asked me to be his girl and I said yes, I gave him the right to demand for my time. It's not like we're always together...well, okay maybe we always are. Does that make me a bad friend to Stace?

It was sad that we have to fight over Joshua. 

I don't like the feeling of being torn between my boyfriend and my friend.

I don't like giving either one of them up.

But I feel like Stacy was asking me to choose.

I don't know what to do.

I feel really hollow. 

I wanted to disappear.

I don't want to choose...

But if I didn't...

I am tempted to take Mom's sleeping pills. 

Hm. They look harmless. Maybe I should just take a few pills.

It might help me sleep. 

It might -swallow- ugh- help me for - chokes -get...

It..might...

∞